To the Hills!

The latest dispatch from The Chipmunk Wars.

I fear I’m losing.

They’ve regained territory on the eastern front … the bricks that I carefully repositioned with new sand are again sunk, leaving gaping holes.  There are fresh tunnels everywhere.

The central portion of the patio remains intact – I think.  I stomp here and there to test bricks, and they seem to hold.  And no, they haven’t charged yet from the south or west.

But to the north, next to the house? Oh, my, to the north …. 

There the news isn’t good.

We recently replaced some windows, including two overlooking the patio.  We had hired brothers Jeff and John to do the work.  They’re quite capable guys.  They’ve done our kitchen, some baths, now windows.

John brought his ladder around back to work on the patio’s northern edge, to replace the TV Room’s west window. He carefully checked the ladder’s footing, then began to climb.

The brick underneath collapsed like a fragile false floor, the ladder teetered, and John nearly did a Humpty Dumpty.

This is clear escalation by the ‘munks. It’s one thing to target me or the dogs. We’re knowingly in the fight. But to put civilians at risk? Not to mention my liability coverage? Unthinkable.

I’ve ruled out the nuclear option.  It would burn the plants.

Instead I went to a fine web site called “GetRidOfThings.com” and sought advice about chipmunks.

I was tempted to wander the site, thinking of other things that I’d like to get rid of … smelly feet, fussbudget politicians, some talk-radio hosts and – last night – people who incessantly honk their noses in movie theaters.

But we’re at war and the ‘munks are advancing.  So I needed advice quickly.

The site began with an admonishment. Chipmunks are, in fact, decent and helpful creatures, the authors said.

“They are the janitors of the squirrel family, feeding on decaying meat, pestiferous bugs, grubs, seeds, and anything else that happens to be lying about. Chipmunks are voracious scavengers, making them the ideal animal to have around when your neck of the woods needs some tidying up.”

First of all, I like that word “pestiferous.”  I’ll use that some day. Second, I’m now feeling guilty.  A mere glance out the back shows we definitely need help tidying up.

So again the moral quandary … live with them, or not?

I think not.  I figure any decaying meat out there the dogs will eat. So that leaves mainly bugs and grubs.  I’ve got chemicals for that.  And I can yank the offending seeds when their stalks and stems grow a foot tall or so. My usual practice anyway. 

Plus I just can’t continue to have these bricks collapsing like rotten teeth.  The house might be next. 

The web site does offer get-rid advice: You can put mesh down to block the chipmunks (given the sheer size of the battlefield, not practical), you can get stinky stuff to dissuade them (most chipmunks get used to the stink), you can use poison (if your state allows … not sure about Kansas … seems harsh), or you can trap them.  The last seems best.

So I’m buying a trap.  A nice, shiny one with a handle to ease in carrying.  I’ll drop it near the tunnels; the dogs and I will watch shoulder to shoulder from behind the new windows, our eyes low, our noses perched just above the sill.

Ready to bark, “Gotcha!”

They say you want to haul your catch “miles away” before releasing it so the pests won’t bother others.  The problem is that we live in the heart of the metro area.

So I figure I’ll be driving them out to the Flint Hills of Kansas, where they can dig to their hearts' content. 

I also see that the Flint Hills is host to coyotes, owls, hawks, foxes, snakes and bobcats. And all of them love to munch on chipmunks.

I feel bad about that.  But not too bad. These chipmunks have had lots of practice evading the enemy at our expense. They’ll do fine.

So I’ll set them free in the Hills.  And leave them with a handful of birdseed and some free advice.

Tunnel deep, boys, tunnel deep.